"Using unknowns you avoid highly exaggerated salaries and prima donnas."
Russ Meyer
Russ Meyer
While we have yet to review it here at a wasted life(if we did, we would foam at the mouth in raging rave), we have looked at it before: back in 2011, in our R.I.P. Career Review of Charles Napier (12 Apr 1936 – 5 Oct 2011), and again in 2013 in our R.I.P. Career Review for the Great Haji(24 Jan 1946 – 10 Aug 2013) — both appear in the film.
"This is not a sequel. There has never been anything like it!"
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At Haji's entry, we were wrote, among other things: "Originally intended as a sequel to the 1967 movie version of Jacqueline Susann's novel Valley of the Dolls (trailer), Meyer and co-screenwriter Roger Ebert instead made a Pop Art exploitation satire of the conventions of the modern Hollywood melodrama, written in sarcasm but played straight, complete with a 'moralistic' ending that owes its inspiration to the Manson-inspired murder of Sharon Tate and her guests on August 9, 1969. Aside from the movie's absolutely insane plot, the cinematography is also noteworthy — as are the figures of the pneumatic babes that populate the entire movie. For legal reasons, the film starts with the following disclaimer: 'The film you are about to see in not a sequel to Valley of the Dolls. It is wholly original and bears no relationship to real persons, living or dead. It does, like Valley of the Dolls, deal with the oft-times nightmare world of show business but in a different time and context.' [...]"
"Any movie that Jacqueline Susann thinks would damage her reputation as a writer cannot be all bad."
Vincent Canby
Vincent Canby
Russ Meyer films are always populated by amazing
In any event, for however long it takes, we will look deep into the
Part I (June 2022), The Non-babe of Note of BVD:
Princess Livingston
Part II (July 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Jacqulin Cole
Part III (Aug 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Bebe Louie
Part IV (Sept 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Trina Parks
Part V (Oct 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Lavelle Roby, Part I (1968-76)
Part VI (Nov 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Lavelle Roby, Pt. II (1979-2021)
Part VI (Dec 2022): Killer Babe of BVD:
Samantha Scott
Part VII (Jan 2023): Background Babe of BVD:
Karen Smith
Part VIII (Feb 2023), Background Babes of BVD:
The Five Mysterians
Part IX (Mar 2023), Background Babe found in Playboy's BVD Pictorial:
"Gina Dair"
Princess Livingston
Part II (July 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Jacqulin Cole
Part III (Aug 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Bebe Louie
Part IV (Sept 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Trina Parks
Part V (Oct 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Lavelle Roby, Part I (1968-76)
Part VI (Nov 2022), Background Babe of BVD:
Lavelle Roby, Pt. II (1979-2021)
Part VI (Dec 2022): Killer Babe of BVD:
Samantha Scott
Part VII (Jan 2023): Background Babe of BVD:
Karen Smith
Part VIII (Feb 2023), Background Babes of BVD:
The Five Mysterians
Part IX (Mar 2023), Background Babe found in Playboy's BVD Pictorial:
"Gina Dair"
To continue at the task at hand: The July 1970 issue of Playboy did a pictorial cum article on Beyond the Valley of the Dolls which, interestingly enough, features the assets of a few women who are said to be in the film but appear on no credit list that we could locate. We imagine that, much like the National Treasure Pam Grier, they were hired to fill the background and not a part, and thus have remained overlooked if not also forgotten.
But let's take a look at the photo spread above, two pages from Playboy pictorial of the women of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls: despite not being on any credit list anywhere that we could locate, there is Ms. Cissy Colpitts (a.k.a. Cissie and, eventually Cisse Cameron) at the lower left corner, wearing the same outfit she's wearing further below while standing next to Pam Grier on the film set. Directly below, a slightly later picture.
The text to the Playboy spread, BTW, reads: "Missourian Cissie Colpitts, 18. Has been in Hollywood for less than a year and has two movies to her credit — Valley and The Grasshopper." Cissi Colpitts went on to a viable if minor acting career in Hollyweird, finally retiring in 1997. Older readers might know her under the name she used as of 1978, after the sitcom she was a regular in, The Ted Knight Show (1978), was cancelled: Cisse Cameron.
A lot of Cisse Cameron in
The Ted Knight Show Promo:
She married to fellow actor Reb Brown (below, from Yor, Hunter from the Future [1983 / trailer]) in 1979 and it appears they are still a happy couple. Cisse was born 5 January 1954 as "the daughter of a dentist [and special-ed teacher] from St. Louis, MO. She studied dance and voice in St. Louis until college age. She has a brother, Ralph, and a sister, Suzanne. Although she went by Cissy, her real name is Matilda. [Steve's Library]"
Prior to going to La La Land, she won the title of Miss Watermelon Bust at Butler University in 1967; that's her in the clipping below, the second set from your left.
But now, to turn from her assets and to her films...
The Grasshopper
(1970, dir. Jerry Paris)
The Grasshopper was released roughly a month before BVD, on 27 May 1970, and Ms. Colpitts is not on the credits list anywhere online and it is doubtful that she is anything more than a background babe. The film is based on the Mallorca-residing Australian Mark McShane's 1961 novel, The Passing of Evil, had been in development hell since 1967, and was definitely an odd project for director Jerry Paris (25 Jul 1925 – 31 Mar 1986), a man best known for bland comedy and TV sitcoms.
"[...] The Grasshopper
is one of those films that tries to have it both ways. Establishment
audiences could watch it and think, 'Wow, those kids are really messed
up.' Counterculture audiences could watch it and say, 'Old people are
such hypocrites.' Oddly enough, The Grasshopper was written by
future director Garry Marshall and it's an incredibly overwrought film.
There's not a subtle moment to be found in the entire film and the
film's direction is flashy but empty. However, for those of us who love
history, it's as close to 1970 as we're going to get without hopping
into a time machine. [Through a Shattered Lens]"
Trailer to
The Grasshopper:
The plot, as found in full detail at the AFI Catalog: "Bored, 19-year-old Christine Adams (Jacqueline Bisset) leaves her home in British Columbia and journeys to Los Angeles to join her old boyfriend, Eddie (Tim O'Kelly [12 Mar 1941 – 4 Jan 1990] of Targets [1968 / trailer]). Forced to hitchhike when her car breaks down in Utah, she is picked up by nightclub comedian Danny Raymond (Corbett Monica [1 Jun 1930 – 22 Jul 1998]), who takes her to Las Vegas. In spite of her attraction to the city, Christine follows through with her original plan but soon becomes bored with the rather unexciting Eddie and her own mundane bank teller's job. She returns to Las Vegas, becomes a hotel showgirl, and meets such new friends as homosexual chorus boy Buck Brown (Roger Garrett [16 Jul 1940 – 23 May 2000] of Night of the Cobra Woman [1972 / trailer]), rock musician Jay Rigney (Christopher Stone [4 Oct 1940 – 20 Oct 1995] of The Howling [1981 / trailer], Love Me Deadly [1972 / trailer] and The Annihilators [1985 / trailer]), and Tommy Marcott (Jim Brown, below not from the film), a black ex-football star who does promotional work for the same hotel. Christine and Tommy get married, but their happiness is marred by Tommy's realization that his job merely exploits his past. Christine accepts an invitation to the room of tycoon Rosie Dekker (Ramon Bieri [16 Jun 1929 – 27 May 2001]) in the hopes that he can advance her husband's career. Dekker beats her brutally when she refuses his advances, and Tommy later retaliates by assaulting Dekker on the golf course. Christine and Tommy then move to Los Angeles and look for new jobs; but Christine tires of domesticity and writes a farewell note to her husband. As she prepares to leave, Tommy is murdered by one of Dekker's associates. Afterwards Christine begins to use drugs heavily. She returns to Las Vegas, but Dekker's blackballing prevents her from finding work, and she becomes first a high-priced call girl and then mistress to millionaire Richard Morgan (Joseph Cotten [15 May 1905 – 6 Feb 1994] of Soylent Green [1973], Robert Fuest's Abominable Dr Phibes [1971 / trailer], Lady Frankenstein [1971] and more, more, more), who wants to marry her. She takes up with her old friend Jay and permits him to pimp for her, in hopes of earning enough money to purchase a ranch where they can live happily forever. In time, Jay absconds with their large bankroll. Now completely alone and with no hopes for the future, Christine gets stoned on marijuana and entices a skywriter to write the work 'fuck [it]' in the air. Arrested and booked by the police, Christine, now 22 years old, has the haggard, down-and-out appearance of one who has been through it all."
"For a few moments depicting the heyday of the relationship between Christine and Tommy, The Grasshopper is energetic and fresh—addressing miscegenation without sensationalism, the movie draws a connection between two people who wish to be appreciated for more than just their bodies. Alas, Christine's chance encounter with a horny, Mob-connected businessman triggers violence, which in turn begins the spiral leading to Christine's drug problems and sex work. By the end of the picture, when Christine is juggling relationships with an aging sugar daddy and a craven young stud, the lurid aspects of The Grasshopper have spun out of control. [Every 70s Movie]"
"This time capsule from the dawn of the New Hollywood era is a surprisingly potent little riff on the showbiz expose. At first, The Grasshopper seems like a mix of an old-fashioned women's picture and a Jacqueline Susann potboiler but it surprises the viewer by bringing unusual shadings to familiar melodramatic conceits. Its depiction of the showbiz milieu comes off as well-observed and witty [...] and it edges its way into darker, despairing narrative territory in a way that manages to sneak up on the audience. [...] In short, The Grasshopper might be a melodrama but it has a bite to it that might surprise the unexpecting viewer and is thus worth a look to cult-film aficionados. [Donald Guarisco @ All Movie]"
"WOW – what a movie! [...] High drama, ridiculous dialogue, great fashion, fabulously insane wigs, revenge, Vegas, sex, drugs, rock & roll, nudity and dirty skywriting. [Dougsploitation]"
From the film –
Vicki Lawrence sings Used to Be:
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
(1970, dir. Russ Meyer)
It is somehow fitting that a month after the release of The Grasshopper, in which Cissie Colpitts has a non-appearance, a burlesque of that very kind of hip melodrama was released on 17 June 1970 that also featured her in a non-appearance. Unlike The Grasshopper, people still remember this movie.
Trailer to
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls:
The plot, as found at AFI: "Tired of playing to high school audiences, Kelly (Dolly Read), Casey (Cynthia Myers), and Pet (Marcia McBroom), members of a rock trio, travel to Hollywood, California, accompanied by Harris Allsworth (David Gurian), the band's manager and Kelly's lover. There, they are befriended by Kelly's Aunt Susan (Phyllis Davis), an advertising executive, who, despite the misgivings of her lawyer, Porter Hall (Duncan McLeod), decides to share with Kelly the family fortune. At an orgy the band is discovered by the effeminate entrepreneur host, Ronnie 'Z-Man' Barzell (John La Zar), who rechristens them 'The Carrie Nations.' Among lovers quickly acquired at Ronnie's party are Lance (Michael Blodgett), a boorish gigolo, who enters into a liaison with Kelly; Emerson (Harrison Page), a law student who wins Pet's love; and Roxanne (Erica Gavin), a lesbian designer who captures Casey's heart. As the celebrated trio perform on national television, Harris, distraught by Kelly's infidelity and Casey's impregnation by him, hurls himself from the catwalk. He is rushed to the hospital, where Dr. Scholl (Dan White) informs Kelly that Harris can look forward to life as a paraplegic. Realizing that Harris is her true love, Kelly devotes herself to his care. Touched by Casey's plight, Roxanne arranges an abortion. Ronnie invites Lance, Roxanne, and Casey to a private party, at which costumes are distributed. Dressed as Superwoman, Ronnie attempts to seduce Lance, who is attired in a loin cloth. Rejected, Ronnie binds the gigolo. After revealing that he is, in fact, a woman, Ronnie bears her breasts, brandishes a sword, and chops off Lance's head. She then plunges a gun into the sleeping Roxanne's mouth and fires. Terrified, Casey phones her friends, who rush to her rescue but arrive too late. As Emerson and Kelly attempt to subdue Ronnie, the gun discharges, killing the transvestite. During the fray, however, the crippled Harris is miraculously cured. In a triple wedding ceremony, Kelly and Harris, Pet and Emerson, and Aunt Susan and an old love are united."
And there she is, Miss Colpitts, above, with the Great Pam Grier, on the set of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. A film worth seeing.
Billy Jack
(1971, dir. "T.C. Frank")
Once upon a time, there was a violently trashy biker flick titled The Born Losers (1967 / trailer) which, as Leonard Maltin pointed out, used "violence as an indictment of violence", and even featured Jane Russell in a rent-paying role. The film introduced a not-yet martial arts expert (but already half-Native American former Green Beret Vietnam vet) Billy Jack (Tom Laughlin [10 Aug 1931 – 12 Dec 2013]), the only man man-enough to stand up against a violent biker gang, the Born Losers. It was a hit for AIP, so two years later they put up the money for a sequel, also directed by "T.C. Frank" (a.k.a. Tom Laughlin), only to pull out before that film, Billy Jack, was finished four years later. Two more companies (Fox and Warner Bros) came and went before the film's star, co-scriptwriter, director and producer Laughlin (and the film's co-writer and costar and Laughlin's wife Delores Taylor [27 Sept 1932 – 23 Mar 2018]) released the independent film themselves — and earned millions. The film was a hit — hell, we here at a wasted life even saw it when it came out, and we weren't even in puberty yet. It remains a cult film today — Cole and Bee even watch the flick in The Babysitter [2017].
"Damn your pacifism! I am not going to let that sick animal get away with this!"
Cindy (Susan Foster)
Cindy (Susan Foster)
Trailer to
Bill Jack:
Even more so than in The Born Losers, "good" and "bad" is painted in broad strokes of black and white and violence is used to propagate a give-peace-a-chance message — and this time around, Christianity and Native American shamanism do some dirty dancing and Billy Jack kicks Asian martial arts (hapkido) ass.
Derrick Feguson of The Ferguson Theater has the plot: "Billy Jack (Laughin) is the self-appointed protector of The Freedom School and the Navajo land it is built on. [...] Billy Jack protects the wild mustangs of the land against local rich fat cat Stuart Posner (Bert Freed [3 Nov 1919 – 2 Aug 1994] of Till Death [1978 / full film]) who hunts them and sells the meat to dog food companies and The Freedom School against the nearby townspeople who just don't like them damn dirty hippies. A young runaway girl named Barbara (Julie Webb) returns home, pregnant and mean as barbed wire. Her father (Kenneth Tobey [23 Mar 1917 – 22 Dec 2002]) beats her nearly to death after she taunts him that she has no idea if the father is black, white or Indian. Sheriff Cole (Clark Howat [22 Jul 1918 – 30 Oct 2009] of The Giant Claw [1957]) pleads with Billy Jack to take the girl to The Freedom School, a progressively innovative school that doesn't follow traditional methods of teaching. The school is run by Jean Roberts (Taylor) who is a dedicated pacifist and is always trying to get Billy Jack to use non-violent methods to resolve his disputes with Posner. Billy Jack takes Barbara to the school and while Jean civilizes her, Billy Jack's war against Posner and his son, Bernard (David Roya of The White Buffalo [1977] and The Love Statue [1965], the latter with Gigi Darlene) escalates. It doesn't help that the elder Posner uses Barbara being at The Freedom School for his advantage. [...]"
Cissie Colpitts shows up in her first credited silver screen appearance to play "the small but memorable role of Miss False Eyelashes", a would-be rape victim who has her bra cut open by spoiled asshole Bernard (David Roya) and is only saved from worse by the timely arrival of Billy Jack. In the original movie release, the scene included her gratuitously exposed boobs; currently available media releases are usually more discreet.
After Miss False Eyelashes leaves:
"Kudos on some points, but the film quickly goes downhill around the middle. Even some explanations of the strange crossbreed religion the good guys subscribe to only succeeded in confusing me further. Just imagine a mix of Native American spiritualism with Flower Child ideals and adding a healthy dose of Christianity. Jean starts explaining about Jesus talking to a medicine man at one point while Billy Jack is preparing to become a 'brother to the snake.' The latter involves taunting a very large rattlesnake until it bites the heck out of you. Just in case you were wondering. [Bad Movies] agree with the general themes, but there were far too many songs sung by girls with long hair (straight of course) and guitars. [Bad Movies]"
Opening credits with the song
One Tin Soldier:
"If you're patient enough to endure Billy Jack's pitfalls, there's much to admire. Yes, when the Laughlins' daughter Teresa begins caterwauling her way through a self-penned folk ballad about her dead brother, you'll want to strangle her. However, Laughlin does an okay job staging his action scenes, which attempt to preach non-violence, while simultaneously stimulating us with shots of Billy Jack kicking bad guys in the face. Few cinematic moments are more moving than the opening title sequence involving an illegal roundup of wild mustangs, beautifully shot by cinematographer Fred Koenekamp and set to Coven's affecting Top 40 hit One Tin Soldier. The acting is variable with hardy character actors like Tobey (The Thing from Another World [1951 / trailer]) and Clark Howat (as the sympathetic sheriff) doing nice work and amateurs such as Taylor barely able to recite dialogue with a vestige of emotion. But what the lesser actors lack in technique, they make up for in honesty and earnestness. [Johnny LaRue]"
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"This movie sucks, but for all the reasons that it should. Unlike The Born Losers, there is no pretence of trying to make this fit in to a movie norm. No, this movie is all about the message. That message: hippies are smarter than everyone & the law is just out to get you. Seriously, this is movie is how every Republican sees Democrats. There's no middle ground here. You're either a corrupt lawman or you're a hippie that understands your connection to nature. [Mondo Bizarro]"
TV adverts to the 1973 re-release:
Billy Jack was followed by two further films, The Trial of Billy Jack (1974 / trailer), also a hit, and Billy Jack Goes to Washington [1977 / trailer], which bombed. A planned fourth film — fifth of you count Born Losers (1967 / trailer) as a Billy Jack film — The Return of Billy Jack, was never completed.
Blood Stalkers
(1976, writ & dir. Robert W. Morgan)
Interestingly enough, she didn't even use her real name: her character, the ex-stripper Jeri, is credited to a Celea Ann Cole (undoubtedly due to some S.A.G. rules). Celea Ann Cole even got name credit on the posters and advertisements...
Original trailer to
The Night Daniel Died / Blood Stalkers:
Blood Stalkers, a backwoods slasher with a total body count of eight, including (Spoiler!) her character, was written and directed by Robert W. Morgan, who is sometimes mistaken for the radio DJ Robert W. Morgan (23 Jul 1937 – 22 May 1998) but shouldn't be. No, this Robert W. Morgan, the author of Bigfoot Observer's Field Guide, is "one of the best-known researchers in the field" of bigfoot and can be found as a talking head in more than on sasquatch documentary (for example: In Search of Bigfoot [1975 / full "documentary"]). He also scripted William Grefé's infamous but fun slice of regional drive-in slime, Mako: The Jaws of Death (1975 / trailer), famous for being the film where the killer sharks are the good guys and the humans the bad.
The retired website Ninja Dixon has a plot description for Blood Stalkers: "Four city slickers, Mike (Jerry Albert of Little Laura and Big John [1973 / trailer]), Daniel (played by I Was a Teenage Werewolf's [1957 / trailer] Kenny Miller [15 Oct 1931 – 8 May 2017]), Kim (Toni Crabtree of Eyes of a Stranger [1981 / trailer]) and Jeri (Colpitts), travel to the backwoods of America where Mike has inherited an old house. No one has been there for eight years and the place is dusty and in a terrible shape, but with some fixing up it could be a nice vacation house. But the local rednecks* aren't happy at all! They warn then for the 'bloodstalkers' running around in the woods, which is connected to an old Indian legend about hairy, man-eating spirits roaming the wilderness. Kinda like Bigfoot. Not long after they arrive something is getting closer to the house, something hairy and angry ... and merciless!"
*Including one with a British accent.
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Over at All Movie, Paul Gaita says: "[...] Largely unseen during two brief theatrical runs (once under its original title, then again under the more grindhouse-friendly Blood Stalkers), this 16 mm, Florida-lensed obscurity is an uneven but occasionally effective horror thriller. Writer/director Robert W. Morgan (who also plays Jarvis the bald thug) shows flashes of inspiration in several scenes, most notably a long sequence which intercuts between slow-motion footage of Albert running through the swamp, the 'bloodstalkers' breaking into the cabin, and a rural gospel chorus in full cry. He also fleshes out his characters beyond the usual exploitation stereotypes, though much of the credit must be shared with his cast, especially Miller. [...] Straight-ahead horror fans might find this one easy to dismiss; however, students of '70s exploitation and Bigfoot cineastes are encouraged to seek out this diverting curiosity."
So, the Blood Stalkers illustration above ring some bells in your subconscious? Well, it's because whoever made it stole it from the original poster of a much better film, namely: The Beyond (trailer below).
The Beyond:
The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington
(1977, dir. William A. Levey)![]()
"She served her country... the only way she knew how!"
"She served her country... the only way she knew how!"
We looked at this film some two+ years ago, in our Babe of Yesteryear career review ofMarilyn Joi (Part IV), where we were looking at the breasts talent of another actress. Cissy Colpitts displays her breasts talent as Miss Goodbody. (Perhaps the inspiration for Holly Goodhead two years later in Moonraker [1979 / trailer]?) To more or less reiterate what we cobbled together back then:
As one can imagine, the title does not refer to the state. This is an early documentary about Donald Trump, the titular hooker of the title who goes to Washington...
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As one can imagine, the title does not refer to the state. This is an early documentary about Donald Trump, the titular hooker of the title who goes to Washington...
Just kidding! Trump may be a political whore, but he was still just paying for hookers when the real titular hooker of this film, Xaviera Hollander, pictured bellow, gained international fame as the Happy Hooker. (For a review of her first book, The Happy Hooker, go here at our currently dead blogspot Mostly Crappy Books.) Incongruent to the poster tagline, Xaviera's [home] country is the Netherlands, where there is no town named "Washington".
Xaviera's first book was filmed in 1975 (scene), starring Lynn Redgrave, and since it was a financial success a sequel was greenlighted. Redgrave bailed on the decidedly more low-rent sequel, The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington, which was based on no previously published Xaviera book (but got a novelization written by Anne Fletcher), and was replaced by Joey Heatherton, whose career was (and stayed thereafter) on the skids. The sequel was followed roughly three years later by The Happy Hooker Goes to Hollywood (1980), which we took a look at in Part V of our R.I.P. Career Review of Dick Miller.
Joey Heatherton's 1972 semi-hit single,
Gone:
Director William A. Levey will forever have a place in film history for his first directorial project, the anti-classic that is Blackenstein (1973 / trailer below), and also be at least fondly remembered as the scriptwriter and director of the Harry Novak-produced grindhouse comedy (with an uncredited Haji), Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman (1975) — oh, yeah, an additional claim to fame: Deborah Winger's first feature film appearance is in his dull comedy, Slumber Party '57 (1976 / scene). Scriptwriter Robert Kaufman (22 Mar 1931 – 21 Nov 1991) wrote better movies than this one, like Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine (1965 / trailer) and Ski Party (1965, see Dick Miller Part II). He was a specialist of sophomoric humor, most of which dates badly.
Blackenstein:
As the Spinning Image points out, "Any resemblance between genuine prostitution and the kind depicted here was purely coincidental, as this was a comic romp first and foremost, with a bizarre roster of hard up celebs appearing in supporting roles, including George Hamilton as Xaviera's lawyer."
*"In November 2014, [Louisa] Moritz became one of the first women to accuse Bill Cosby, claiming Cosby sexually assaulted her in the green room for The Tonight Show in 1971. After Cosby accused her of lying, she sued him for defamation; her lawyer planned to continue the lawsuit after her death. [Wikipedia, accessed 27.04.2020]" Question: What's the biggest difference between a rich white man and a rich black man who likes to sexually assault women? The white man goes to the White House, the black man to jail.
Trailer to
The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington:
"The fact of the matter is that some of the most imaginative films ever made were low-budget grindhouse movies. [...] But, honestly, The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington is just bad. It's boring. The acting is terrible. The jokes fall flat. [...] In The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington, Joey Heatherton plays Xaviera Hollander, a former madam who is now a businesswoman, magazine publisher, and sex-advice columnist. [...] Xaviera has been called to testify in front of the Senate Committee to Investigate Sexual Excess in America. And goddamn, this movie is stupid. But anyway, Xaviera goes to Washington to stand up for sexual freedom. Accompanying her is an attorney named Ward Thompson (George Hamilton) and, quicker than you can say 'Fifth place on Dancing with the Stars,' Ward is explaining to Xaviera why her testimony is so important. 'We're heading right into the teeth of a new puritanism,' he tells her. 'Under the new puritanism, there won't be any happy hookers!' Anyway, Xaviera testifies in front of the committee and we get a few flashbacks to some of Xaviera's past accomplishments. And then she gets recruited by a dwarf (Billy Barty) and is sent to seduce a Middle Eastern ruler and ... well, it just keep going and going. This is one of the longest 84-minute films ever released. Anyway, this movie sucks. (And so does Xaviera! That's the level of humor that you can expect when you watch The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington.) [Through a Shattered Lens]"
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The Video Vacuum, which admits that what they liked about the movie "doesn't necessarily make for a good movie", saw some positive things on the screen: "The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington is a much better movie than the original for a few reasons. First off, the producers hired a REAL director for the film, not just some dope whose only other credits are TV shows. Of course, the guy they hired was William A. Levey, the director of Blackenstein. He's not exactly Orson Welles or anything, although he does know how to film titties bouncing up and down. Which brings me to the second reason Goes to Washington is more entertaining than the first one: it features a hell of a lot more nudity than its predecessor. In fact, there are more tits in the first ten minutes of this movie than there was in the entire running time of Part 1. Thirdly, there are actual jokes this time out. Of course, they are jokes that wouldn't get a laugh in a burlesque house in 1932, but they are jokes nevertheless. Finally, the supporting cast is a lot more fun. [...] Never mind the fact that they aren't really given anything to do, at least they're here dammit."
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At least at the Family Drive-in at Mundys Corner, The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington was part of a family appropriate — fit for kids of all ages! — double feature with the equally lame movie Linda Lovelace for President (1975 / scene below), starring the titular star of the X-rated groundbreaker Deep Throat (1972 / soundtrack). A perfect pairing, to say the least.
Linda Lovelace for President:
The image bellow is of Cissy as Miss Goodbody as she is giving her testimony — she sits so straight that her top pops open. ("Hah Hah Hah," went the audiences.)
The Prize Fighter
(1979, dir. Michael Preece)
The Prize Fighter, a PG-rated affair, was the fourth pairing of comedians Tim Conway (15 Dec 1933 – 14 May 2019) and Don Knotts (21 Jul 1924 – 24 Feb 2006) following the three G-rated Disney productions, The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975 / trailer), Gus (1976), and The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979 / trailer). It was financial success, but has long been forgotten... the trailer below reveals why.
Trailer to
The Prize Fighter:
The first feature film directed by TV director Michael Preece, who hasn't exactly directed a film of note, Tim Conway once stated he wrote the script in three days.
The plot, as found at alibris: "Tim Conway as woeful boxer Bags and Don Knotts as his dim-witted sidekick Shake are out to save a gym and do the impossible in this predictable, clichéd comedy from director Michael Preece. The setting is the 1930s and Bags is trying to make it as a boxer. Gangster Mike (Robin Clarke of Inseminoid [1981 / trailer] and Sentenza di morte / Death Sentence [1968 / trailer]) decides to take advantage of the two losers, so he sets Bags up for a big championship match against a bruiser appropriately nicknamed the Butcher (Michael LaGuardia [9 Jun 1947 – 2 Apr 1993]). At stake is more than the one-sided match, the dull duo's friend 'Pop' Morgan (David Wayne [30 Jan 1914 – 9 Feb 1995]) has bet all he has on Bags — he needs money to save his gym from the clutches of the gangster."
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Over at The KO Picture Show, roughly 19 years ago Rob Tillisch griped: "This movie subscribes to the belief that, if it's funny watching Tim Conway getting hit in the face with a speed bag ONCE, it'll be even funnier by the 6th time. Each fight is preceded by this and a number of other training-related mishaps, all falling a bit flat [...]. All of the action is played strictly for laughs, with Conway rarely landing a punch and his opponents existing solely as bewildered straight men. [...] All of the equipment looked up to code. Except for Bags' trunks. They were too big, ya see, so they kept falling down. And if you thought it was funny when they fell down the first time, JUST WAIT! THEY'RE GONNA FALL DOWN SOME MORE! COMEDY! With the filmmaker's absolute inability to gauge what should or shouldn't be a children's movie, I'm surprised we didn't get a couple bare-ass jockstrap-shots of Bags when the trunks came down. Maybe a nice, furry Conway 'fruit basket' for the kiddies, eh?!"
The Baltimore Bullet
(1980, dir. Robert Ellis Miller)
The Baltimore Bullet's
opening cleavage scene:
Unknown Movies has the plot: "The title of the movie refers to Coburn's character, a fellow also known by the name of Nick Casey. Casey was once one of the championship pool players in America, but various circumstances happened that now have him on hard times, and now he barely makes a living using his skill at pool while hustling unsuspecting fellow pool players across the country. But Casey has by his side [Bruce] Boxleitner's character, a young man by the name of Billie Joe Robbins. Casey years earlier saw that Robbins had a talent for pool, and offered Robbins a partnership where he would learn from Casey while the two of them travel across the country hustling various suckers. It is Casey's ultimate hope that they will earn enough money so that Casey can enter a championship pool tournament in New Orleans and defeat the country's current champion, a man simply known as 'The Deacon' (Omar Sharif [10 Apr 1932 – 10 Jul 2015]). But Casey faces the problem that his young apprentice is a very unpredictable young man that gets them in hot water on more than one occasion, and that his apprentice may suddenly turn on his teacher. [...]"
"James Coburn [31 Aug 1928 – 18 Nov 2002] was one of those actors who improved any film in which he appeared in. Take The Baltimore Bullet, for example. Without Coburn, The Baltimore Bullet is basically The Hustler (1961 / trailer) without any of that film's grit or edginess. With Coburn, it's still a bad remake of The Hustler but at least it's got James Coburn. [Through a Shattered Lens]"
Trailer to
The Baltimore Bullet:
Shameless Self Expression gives the film a D+ rating, and says: "Omar Sharif is ideally chosen as essentially a mixture of Minnesota Fats and Robert Shaw from The Sting (1973 / trailer), but sadly his talents are left wasted in a shamefully underwritten part. It's practically a glorified cameo. Ronee Blakley is typically poor in a film that doesn't really need her character at all, let alone give her anything of interest to say or do. [...] The one amusing thing here is the running gag involving the two leads making bets over women, with Coburn scoring every single time because he's smooth as fuck." One scene, typical of the times and that wouldn't fly today: to settle a bet whether a waitress has silicon love pillows or not, one guy simply feels her tits up off screen (to the sound of a shriek and falling dishes). Hah hah hah.
"Lighthearted but witless, the script by John Brascia and Robert Vincent O'Neill strives for madcap excitement but instead delivers disassociated moments that lack both sparkle and substance. It's impossible to care what happens to the self-serving characters, and the movie ventures off track so many times that one can't even ride the momentum of the central plot all the way to the finish. Worse, incoherence rears its head with considerable frequency, adding muddiness to the lengthy list of the movie's shortcomings. [Every 70s Movie]"
Co-scriptwriter John "Studmuffin" Brascia (11 May 1932 – 19 Feb 2013) shows up to play a poker player, while co-scriptwriter Robert Vincent O'Neil (15 Sep 1930 – 12 Mar 2022) wrote and/or directed better, trashier movies than this one, like The Psycho Lover (1970 / trailer), Blood Mania (1970 / trailer), Wonder Women (1973 / trailer / full film, see Marilyn Joi Part I) and both Angel (1983 / trailer) and Avenging Angel (1985 / trailer), the last two both with Susan Tyrrell.
Coming up:
Cissy Colpitts, Pt. II (1980-88)